The UC’s 20th President Shortlist

We awoke to startling news this morning that Janet Napolitano would be stepping down as Secretary of Homeland Security to succeed Mark Yudof as the 20th President of the University of California.

Initially we here at UCMeP were satisfied with the curious appointment… until we learned from former film executive Sherry Lansing (head of the UC’s search committee) who was offered the post ahead of Napolitano.

Here is a run-down of the UC’s original short list with Lansing’s commentary included:

5. George Zimmerman

Current Position: Volunteer Neighborhood Watch Chief

“We reached out to Zimmerman because we admired his ‘hands-on’ approach to securing elite spaces against intrusions by undesirables—a skillset Napolitano also promises to bring to the UC. Unfortunately, Zimmerman was preoccupied during the final round of interviews and had to remove himself from consideration.”

4. Lawrence Summers

Current Position: Harvard Economist

“Summers formerly served as president of Harvard and worked in the Reagan, Clinton, and Obama White Houses. We liked him because he all but pioneered the revolving door between the state, finance, and higher education. But when offered the job, Summers refused, declaring UC Berkeley and UC Irvine to be full of ‘anti-semitic fascists.’”

3. Ayn Rand

Current Position: Paul Ryan’s personal tutor

“Like Napolitano, Rand HATES communists, but LOVES books. Unfortunately she has been dead for three decades.”

2. Condoleezza Rice

Current Position: Professor, Stanford University

“Condi actually laughed when she heard our offer. When we insisted that the UC was serious, she said it was ‘cute’ that a cash-strapped public university system thought it could poach personnel from Stanford.”

1. Jan Brewer

Current Position: Governor of Arizona

“Brewer was actually our first choice. She followed in Napolitano’s footsteps as governor of Arizona, but far exceeded expectations. We liked Brewer because of her demonstrated dual commitment to barring access of Latin@s to public education and to dismantling ethnic studies programs. These have been pillars of President Mark Yudof’s tenure at the UC, and part of a program the UC hopes to continue. Brewer declined because she thought her current job as governor positioned her better to fight that whole woman’s-right-to-choose-thing.”

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UC Davis Police Offering New Course in Authoritarianism

We here at the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) are pleased to announce that the UC Davis Police Department is now offering a timely and only mildly psychotic practicum course in authoritarianism.

Below is Lt. John Pike demonstrating a key technique of this curriculum. It certainly takes its cue from the more “hands on” approach recently implemented by UC Berkeley Police Chief Mitch “Make ‘em Hurt” Celaya.

If you would like to ask Lt. John Pike any questions about his innovative pedagogical method, please feel free to email him at japikeiii@ucdavis.edu, or call him at 530-752-3989.

And here are two instructional videos:

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Mockupy Cal

On Wednesday, November 9, an ungrateful gaggle of debt-enslaved miscreants tried to pitch their freedom-hating tents near iconic Sproul Plaza, birthplace of the Free Speech Movement. These outside agitators disguised as first-semester freshmen deceptively called their guerilla training camp “Occupy Cal.”

Similar to analogous movements around the world, Occupy Cal aspired to be a disgusting display of consensus-based decision making and activist programming designed to facilitate dangerously political conversations about the most – rather, least – pressing issues of our day.

Like UC Berkeley Chancellor Robert Birgeneau and UC Police Chief Mitch “Make ‘em Hurt” Celaya, we here at the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) wholeheartedly believe that such mass enactments of so-called “democracy” by UC students, workers, and faculty must be ruthlessly crushed.

Students should in no way be allowed to freely speak out or assemble for political and educational purposes at UC Berkeley. It goes against everything that the UC Regents, the UC Police Department, and the UC Office of the President have been so virulently working for in recent years. Any attempt by UC stakeholders to educate one another in a sociable and sustainable manner about budget cuts, austerity, and the gloriously growing economic gap in this country deserves nothing less than the most pitiless pummeling.

Thankfully, a highly skilled and well-remunerated team of crisis managers were called in to UC Berkeley on Wednesday to make crystal clear before the entire world the UC’s official position on calls to democratize and save the world’s premiere public-soon-to-be-private university.

We oligarchs may have won the battle, but we are far from winning the war. Our vested (and vesting) interests in the university are by no means secure. UCMeP regrets to inform its plutocratic peers that this coming Tuesday promises to be the most terrifying day yet in the history of the privatization struggle at the UC. The same radical elements who had the gall to pitch a few tents on Sproul Plaza are now calling for not only the reestablishment of Occupy Cal, but a student strike across higher education in the once golden state of California this coming Tuesday, November 15.

UCMeP has full confidence that everyone’s favorite gun-waving paragons of public safety at the UC Police Department will come out batons swinging (and as we have heard, shotguns blazing) to defend the UC’s proud tradition as a tent-free institute of indoctrination and instrumentalized knowledge production. If we have learned anything from the tepid swamp that is Occupy Oakland, pepper spray, tear-gas, truncheons, and flash-bang grenades will not be enough to quell the self-pitying sensibilities of America’s cantankerous youth.

UCMeP believes that everyone must pitch in this Tuesday to defend the privatization of the the University of California (and public education worldwide). We all must take the law into our own hands and—like UCPD—go beyond the law to furiously smother even the most meekly-articulated demand for democracy at the UC.

UCMeP implores you to join us in protecting Cal from those who want to expropriate it for the public good. We are happy to see several groups and individuals actively working from within to combat the anti-privatization movement at the UC.  But mere internal tactics like red-baiting, moralistic finger-pointing, and turning people over to the police is not nearly enough to ensure eternal triumph for the 1%.

We must—and can—do more.

On Tuesday, November 15, UCMeP calls on all its allies to push the privatization struggle to its limit. Help UCMeP keep the public property of the University California in private hands and join our struggle to “Mockupy Cal.”

The goals of Mockupy Cal are simple: we will vehemently defend UC Berkeley property from any efforts to misdirect its use for the common good. In doing so, Mockupy Cal follows the lead of Chancellor Robert Birgeneau. Not only will we authoritatively dictate the uses of university resources without taking into account the opinion of anyone else on campus, but we will also pitilessly mock and defame any students, faculty, or workers who find themselves on the end of a police baton.

The tactics of Mockupy Cal are straightforward: on Tuesday, November 15, UCMeP and its growing network of oligarchic allies will inhabit and erect defensive structures at prominent campus buildings and outdoor locations. Anyone who we deem unfit (or too ill-dressed) to enter these spaces will be denied passage, and consequently derided for their dearth of aristocratic character, portfolio diversity, and ancestral privilege.

Mockupy Cal will start at 12PM on Tuesday by wresting control of Sproul Plaza. In the spirit of plutocracy, instead of setting up an all-inclusive encampment, Mockupy Cal’s first intervention will be to hold a gourmet champagne luncheon reserved exclusively for VIPs and anyone willing to pledge future earnings to the privatization struggle. Please make sure to bring your checkbook and two forms of ID.

Following the luncheon, Mockupy Cal will move to preemptively defend other campus spaces from pernicious and pugnacious protestors.

For more information on Mockupy Cal, please visit UCMeP’s official information tent, which will be pitched on the northwest lawn directly in front of Sproul Hall on Tuesday.

Mockupy Cal is proudly endorsed by: The Alameda County Sheriff’s Department, Bank of America, Blum Capital, capitalism, Chase Bank, Christopher Edley, CitiBank, The Daily Cal, Haas Business School, Mayor Jean Quan, the Oakland Police Department, Robert Birgeneau, Student Action, the UC Board of Regents, the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP), the UC Police Department, United for Social and Economic Justice, the University of Phoenix, and Wells Fargo.

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UCMeP’s Equality Bake Sale Raises $1.8 Million

Credit: The Daily Cal

We here at the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) are proud to report that today’s “Equality Bake Sale” at UC Berkeley was an exemplary example of predatory privatizing power!

At $22,000 a pop (a subtle nod to what in-state tuition will be if the proposed 81% tuition hike goes through), the cupcakes we sold to hungry undergraduates raised over $1.8 million.

Sure, all of that money came in as student loans provided by the generously usurious Citibank. But like the UC Regents, UCMeP is (almost) certain that the overinflated student loan bubble will never pop. And if it does, well, plutocrats like us won’t be the ones getting screwed!

Considering the astounding success of today’s bake sale, who can honestly say that privatization projects at the UC are not profitable?

Well, no one actually says that… most critics just claim that privatizing public education is reckless, exploitative, and highly unsustainable.

Of these jealous peasants, UCMeP and UC President Mark Yudof say, “Let them eat cupcakes!”

For coverage of today’s “Equality Bake Sale,” see the Daily Cal. For more information on the “Equality Bake Sale” go here.

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Let them Eat Cupcakes!!

Just a friendly reminder…

Tomorrow (Wednesday, October 12) is the much anticipated “Equality Bake Sale” hosted by UCMeP.

Come by Sproul Plaza between 12:00 and 2:00 to taste what it’s like to get ripped off!

Read more here and here (The Bay Citizen).

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Equality Bake Sale

For years, sniveling students at the UC have echoed the same snot-nosed complaint: massive tuition hikes are unfair.

Exemplary of such shrill whining are the obsequious objections to the 81% tuition increase recently proposed by UC President Mark Yudof (which will be considered at the November Regents Meeting in San Francisco).

Such self-righteous bellyaching, however, intentionally ignores the crucial fact that the UC administration’s generously (and unilaterally) instituted tuition hikes epitomize what equality and economic justice have come to mean at the UC.

Like the magnanimous Regents and administrators of the University of California, we here at the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) ardently believe that all students have the right to pay equally exorbitant amounts to attend the UC, regardless of race, gender, ethnicity, or national/geographic origin. That ALL in-state students will soon be charged over $22,000 per year for their education (before housing, food, and other fees) is, quite simply, the epitome of fairness.

UCMeP wholeheartedly agrees with the anger expressed over a certain “Diversity Bake Sale” recently held at UC Berkeley. While we are certainly sympathetic to the goals of the neo-conservative undergrads who organized the bake sale, UCMeP believes that the pricing plan instituted was not only unfair, but disgustingly invidious. We were appalled by how unabashedly it discriminated against affluent white men by asking them to pay fifty cents more than anyone else for a buttery scone.

The inequity of the “Diversity Bake Sale” has prompted UCMeP to respond with its very own “Equality Bake Sale,” which will dramatize the immensely fair logic behind Mark Yudof’s proposed 81% tuition hike: everyone deserves to be ruthlessly exploited, especially when it comes to university tuition.

Please join us Wednesday, October 12, from 12PM-2PM on Sproul Plaza to buy a tasty artisan cupcake, baked by UCMeP. You can be sure that our pricing structure will be as fair as the newest round of tuition hikes:

Every student: $22,000 per cupcake

We fully expect (and hope) that—just like with UC tuition–most students will be unable to afford such a cheaply produced sugary treat at such an incredibly inflated price. To ensure that everyone has an equal opportunity to taste what it is like to get ripped off, UCMeP is pleased to announce that the gloriously usurious Bank of America will be on hand to offer high interest loans to anyone who qualifies. All you need are two forms of ID and the willingness to pen your name to a tortuously worded contractual agreement (that only requires you to sign away your future—much like student loans).

We hope to see you all there! If you don’t come, you’re a communist!

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UC President Mark Yudof’s Mansion Occupied by Irreconcilable Students!

Shortly after midnight on September 22, disgruntled protestors bearing flamethrowers busted down the gilded doors of UC President Mark Yudof’s mansion and began what is an ongoing occupation.

Luckily Mark Yudof and his wife were not home at the time. They  were in Marin playing Boggle with Lynn Tierney and her pet bulldog Bobo.

For some reason, students are upset about the prospect of 81% tuition hikes. Go figure…

Nah, we’re just messing with you (about the occupation that is).

But now that we’ve got your attention, please forget that today (September 22) is Day #1 of Actions against the cuts at the UC.

Whatever you do, do not show up to Sproul Plaza at Noon today.

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