On Wednesday, November 9, an ungrateful gaggle of debt-enslaved miscreants tried to pitch their freedom-hating tents near iconic Sproul Plaza, birthplace of the Free Speech Movement. These outside agitators disguised as first-semester freshmen deceptively called their guerilla training camp “Occupy Cal.”
Similar to analogous movements around the world, Occupy Cal aspired to be a disgusting display of consensus-based decision making and activist programming designed to facilitate dangerously political conversations about the most – rather, least – pressing issues of our day.
Like UC Berkeley Chancellor Robert Birgeneau and UC Police Chief Mitch “Make ‘em Hurt” Celaya, we here at the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) wholeheartedly believe that such mass enactments of so-called “democracy” by UC students, workers, and faculty must be ruthlessly crushed.
Students should in no way be allowed to freely speak out or assemble for political and educational purposes at UC Berkeley. It goes against everything that the UC Regents, the UC Police Department, and the UC Office of the President have been so virulently working for in recent years. Any attempt by UC stakeholders to educate one another in a sociable and sustainable manner about budget cuts, austerity, and the gloriously growing economic gap in this country deserves nothing less than the most pitiless pummeling.
Thankfully, a highly skilled and well-remunerated team of crisis managers were called in to UC Berkeley on Wednesday to make crystal clear before the entire world the UC’s official position on calls to democratize and save the world’s premiere public-soon-to-be-private university.
We oligarchs may have won the battle, but we are far from winning the war. Our vested (and vesting) interests in the university are by no means secure. UCMeP regrets to inform its plutocratic peers that this coming Tuesday promises to be the most terrifying day yet in the history of the privatization struggle at the UC. The same radical elements who had the gall to pitch a few tents on Sproul Plaza are now calling for not only the reestablishment of Occupy Cal, but a student strike across higher education in the once golden state of California this coming Tuesday, November 15.
UCMeP has full confidence that everyone’s favorite gun-waving paragons of public safety at the UC Police Department will come out batons swinging (and as we have heard, shotguns blazing) to defend the UC’s proud tradition as a tent-free institute of indoctrination and instrumentalized knowledge production. If we have learned anything from the tepid swamp that is Occupy Oakland, pepper spray, tear-gas, truncheons, and flash-bang grenades will not be enough to quell the self-pitying sensibilities of America’s cantankerous youth.
UCMeP believes that everyone must pitch in this Tuesday to defend the privatization of the the University of California (and public education worldwide). We all must take the law into our own hands and—like UCPD—go beyond the law to furiously smother even the most meekly-articulated demand for democracy at the UC.
UCMeP implores you to join us in protecting Cal from those who want to expropriate it for the public good. We are happy to see several groups and individuals actively working from within to combat the anti-privatization movement at the UC. But mere internal tactics like red-baiting, moralistic finger-pointing, and turning people over to the police is not nearly enough to ensure eternal triumph for the 1%.
We must—and can—do more.
On Tuesday, November 15, UCMeP calls on all its allies to push the privatization struggle to its limit. Help UCMeP keep the public property of the University California in private hands and join our struggle to “Mockupy Cal.”
The goals of Mockupy Cal are simple: we will vehemently defend UC Berkeley property from any efforts to misdirect its use for the common good. In doing so, Mockupy Cal follows the lead of Chancellor Robert Birgeneau. Not only will we authoritatively dictate the uses of university resources without taking into account the opinion of anyone else on campus, but we will also pitilessly mock and defame any students, faculty, or workers who find themselves on the end of a police baton.
The tactics of Mockupy Cal are straightforward: on Tuesday, November 15, UCMeP and its growing network of oligarchic allies will inhabit and erect defensive structures at prominent campus buildings and outdoor locations. Anyone who we deem unfit (or too ill-dressed) to enter these spaces will be denied passage, and consequently derided for their dearth of aristocratic character, portfolio diversity, and ancestral privilege.
Mockupy Cal will start at 12PM on Tuesday by wresting control of Sproul Plaza. In the spirit of plutocracy, instead of setting up an all-inclusive encampment, Mockupy Cal’s first intervention will be to hold a gourmet champagne luncheon reserved exclusively for VIPs and anyone willing to pledge future earnings to the privatization struggle. Please make sure to bring your checkbook and two forms of ID.
Following the luncheon, Mockupy Cal will move to preemptively defend other campus spaces from pernicious and pugnacious protestors.
For more information on Mockupy Cal, please visit UCMeP’s official information tent, which will be pitched on the northwest lawn directly in front of Sproul Hall on Tuesday.
Mockupy Cal is proudly endorsed by: The Alameda County Sheriff’s Department, Bank of America, Blum Capital, capitalism, Chase Bank, Christopher Edley, CitiBank, The Daily Cal, Haas Business School, Mayor Jean Quan, the Oakland Police Department, Robert Birgeneau, Student Action, the UC Board of Regents, the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP), the UC Police Department, United for Social and Economic Justice, the University of Phoenix, and Wells Fargo.