Welcome back! We here at the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) anticipate this year to be the most profitable year on record at the UC!
While you doggedly juggled four summer jobs to afford the resplendent 12’x10’ 4-person dormitory high-rise you are currently settling into, your oligarchic overlords in the UC administration, the state assembly, and the Federal government were hard at work. After long hours in conversation with investment banks, equity firms, and building contractors, they devised a number of creative ways to spend your newly increased tuition (whose official endorsement by the Academic Senate certainly had absolutely nothing at all to do with the recent raises they received… COUGH COUGH). Just one of the many exciting new educational projects is a state-of-the-art equestrian center to be used exclusively by your Cal football team in the offseason—Go Bears!
To start the year off with a bang, UCMeP cordially invites you to a very special welcome back party this Saturday afternoon, August 27. UCMeP is teaming up with OPENrestaurant and restauranteur Alice Waters of Chez Panisse fame (yes, we are serious) to host an unforgettable cocktail party at one of UC Berkeley’s most elite establishments, the Berkeley Art Museum. The cocktail party is the capstone of a daylong event commemorating the 40th anniversary of Waters’ swanky Berkeley eatery.
What better way to celebrate an academic year that promises unprecedented austerity cuts and the pauperization of an entire generation of students than to hold an exclusive mid-afternoon cocktail party in honor of Chez Panisse on the UC Berkeley campus.
Please join us in the courtyard of the Berkeley Art Museum on Saturday, August 27 at 3:30PM for an afternoon affair you will not soon forget.
Here’s just a sample of some of the tasty concoctions UCMeP’s mixologists will be whipping up—all of which are inspired by the increasingly efficient privatization of what once was the world’s premiere public university:
The Sour Debtor
This surly libation is specially suited for the tens of thousands of students and workers at the UC who are looking for a delectable way to stave off any unsavory resentment they might be harboring about the mountain of debt under which the UC and state government are currently opportunistically burying them alive. The Sour Debtor is a tasteful (and tasty!) way to mollify those unattractive inclinations to go out and do something unbecoming to prevent (e.g., protest) your promising future of lifelong debt enslavement. Simply mix even shots of whiskey and 151-proof grain alcohol with a squirt of lime, and presto: you’ve got the perfect fix for all your financial woes! Why become bitter about a life of debt when you can forget about it by throwing back a few Sour Debtors?
The Sasparilla Switch-a-roo
We call this drink the Sasparilla Switch-a-roo, but it’s actually a flexible recipe that can be made with any imbibeable liquid. The key to the Sasparilla Switch-a-roo is not so much the ingredients that go into it, but the methodology behind it—one truly inspired by the way the UC administration and State government are creatively dismantling the world’s premiere public university.
To make a Sasparilla Switch-a-roo, belligerently empty a bottle of any top-shelf liquor or champagne. Make sure to keep the label firmly affixed! Refill the bottle with a vastly inferior substance (we prefer a sasparilla-flavored beverage like root beer, but that’s just us). Next, resell the bottle at an unfathomably increased rate (maybe try 32% at first, and then adjust subsequent hikes according to how your customers react). Meanwhile—and this is essential—make sure you advertise the drink as the exact same product that earned the bottle’s good name.
The Sasparilla Switch-a-roo is more than a metaphor for how the UC Board of Regents and administrators like Dean Christopher Edley are using the UC’s inimitable history of excellence in public education to sell a product of considerably lesser quality at a massively inflated price. The Switch-a-roo is a toothsome beverage well-suited for any warm August afternoon!
The Molotov Cocktail (á la Chez Panisse)
The name of this drink might raise a few eyebrows… but have no fear. As the parenthetical addition suggests, the Molotov Cocktail (á la Chez Panisse) is just about as revolutionary as Chez Panisse (which is to say, thankfully not at all). While UCMeP is typically wary to support any self-identified (and successfully self-marketed) progressive movement, dropping $500 at Chez Panisse for a “sustainable” dinner for two is just the type of radicalism UCMeP can get behind!
While we will keep the recipe for this concoction secret until Saturday, we promise you, the Molotov Cocktail (á la Chez Panisse) is nothing like the low-class incendiary substance in a bottle so favored by radical degenerates and other expropriated populations. It’s a drink fit for any late evening soiree outside the Chancellor’s house…