Public Education and Public Lands: Two Ideas Worth Privatizing

two ideas worth privatizing

In conjunction with the summit: Universities for Corporate Science, Private Profit from Public Land

Wheeler Commons, UC Berkeley

Thursday March 26th, 2015, 7:00PM

About the Event: “Public Education and Public Lands: Two Ideas Worth Privatizing” is part of the UC Berkeley initiative “America’s Most Lucrative Ideas: The Next ~1 Year, Or About As Much Foresight As We Can Manage,” a partnership with the symposium on Universities for Corporate Science, Corporate Science on Public Land to celebrate the cooptation of land for future generations of wealthy white people.

The year 2015 marks the 100th anniversary of a conference held in Berkeley, hosted by UC Berkeley alumni Stephen Mather, industrialist and Borax millionaire, and Horace Albright, where they first signed a pact that would eventually lead to privatizing public land and the displacement of brown people (loads of California’s native folks had already been Manifest Destinied by then). The National Park Service was created in 1916, and Mather and Albright went on to become its first and second directors. With its business partners, UC Berkeley looks forward to the next 100 years with a variety of privatization activities and programs, including a summit on how to further exclude community members from public debates, public schools, and public lands. The UC is actively looking to continue a century of exclusions of non-white, non-wealthy community members and hopes this conference will galvanize the continued financialization of whatever public things remain.

Tonight’s program has been brought to you by the University Movement for Efficient Privatization, UCMeP.

Sally Jewell, US Secretary of the Interior

As Secretary of the Interior, Sally Jewell leads an agency with more than 70,000 employees. The Department of Interior manages approximately 20% of the nation’s lands, including national parks, wildlife refuges, and other public spaces; oversees the development of energy supplies on public lands and waters; is the largest supplier of water in the 17 Western states; andhandles land management for 566 federally recognized American Indian tribes and Alaska Natives. Prior to her confirmation, Jewell served in the private sector as an engineer for Mobil Oil before becoming President and CEO of Recreation Equipment, Inc. (REI). During her tenure, REI nearly tripled in business, selling $2 billion in Packframe Ponchos, titanium camping sporks, andSariska Yoga Pants. REI was consistently ranked one of the 100 companies to work for by Fortune Magazine. Before joining REI, Jewell spent 19 years as a commercial banker, first as an expert on financializing energy and natural resources and later working with a diverse array of businesses that drive our nation’s extractive economy. Tonight, Jewell allies with the UC for the UCMeP2015 Project “Public Education and Public Lands: Two Ideas Worth Privatizing.”

Nicholas Dirks, UC Berkeley Chancellor
The 10th chancellor of UC Berkeley, Nicholas “I Don’t Meet With Identity Groups” Dirks is an internationally renowned master of cooptation. Dirks’ previous anthropological scholarship on colonialism and the brutalities of the Indian caste system bolsters his credibility as a liberal critic of class and race disparities. This research has been crucial for securing his reputation in the hustle for private dollars to stuff Berkeley’s coffers. Though Dirks is the most highly paid Chancellor at the UC, he rakes in an impoverishing $501,404 a year. As Chancellor, Dirks has contributed to class stratification and racial exclusion, measures whichUCMeP believes will make for an overall healthier, wealthier, and whiter campus climate. Wisely refusing to meet with aggrieved and underpaid workers, undocumented students, concerned black students, trans and genderqueer folks, and survivors of sexual assault, Dirks instead turns his attention to more lucrative matters. Tonight, Dirks will unveil the UC’s newest project: Universities for Corporate Science, Private Profit from Public Land, a project that rekindles the colonial zeal of centuries past. After favoring financial gain over student and community needs for education and research at the Gill Tract Farm, Dirks is turning his gaze northward. Directing massive UC resources to build the privately-funded “Berkeley Global Campus at Richmond Bay,” Dirks will work hard to ensure that this new UC venture seizes land in the city of Richmond, indebts this working class city to secure UC profits, and displaces black and brown community members in the service of $cience.

To this, we say Bravo, Chancellor Dirks!

Douglas Brinkley, Professor of History
Brinkley is an author, Professor of history at Rice University, and a fellow at the James Baker Think Tank for Public Policy. He is the history commentator for CBS News and a contributing editor for Vanity Fair, The New York Times, The New Yorker, and TheAtlantic Monthly. A number of his most recent publications have become bestsellers, including The Reagan Diaries, a magical realist exploration of Ronnie’s union-busting fantasies; The The Boys of Pointe du Hoc: Ronald Reagan, D-Day and the U.S. Army 2nd Ranger Battalion, an ode to Euro-American masculinity and the army’s love affair with all things “Private”; and The Wilderness Warrior: Theodore Roosevelt and the Crusade for America, an epic tome about Roosevelt’s imperial visions for the Anglo-Saxon race and how-to guide with illustrations for conquering the great outdoors.

Janet Napolitano, UC President

Janet “We Don’t Have To Listen To This Crap” Napolitano leads a “public” university system that generates significant private capital with 10 campuses, 5 medical centers, 3 affiliated national labs, and now its own $250 million venture capital firm! Napolitano is a distinguished bureaucrat with a record of surveillance implementation, and domestic and border policing, experiences which she brings to her work in higher education through the DHS Campus Resilience Pilot Program, where campus police train alongside global army personnel and work with ICE. As Governor of Arizona from 2003-2009, Napolitano focused on privatizing education from pre-kindergarten through higher education, where she continues to build a “dependable pipeline” to transport American children from kindergarten to postgraduate study and jobs in the cyber surveillance industry. Secretary of DHS from 2009-2013, Napolitano oversaw the deportation of over 1.5 million immigrants, and the hyper-militarization of local police departments, readying them for our recent war against protestors. While at the UC, Napolitano championed the near-total obliteration of the California Master Plan, a communist policy that guaranteed Californians affordable access to publicly subsidized higher education. Napolitano recently proposed a 27% increase in UC tuition, announced an enrollment freeze for Californians, and expressed an interest in dramatically expanding out-of-state enrollment for which students pay nearly three times as much (we could hear our creditors at Moody’s cheering!) Napolitano managed to accomplish this while earning a paltry $570,000 a year with a $8,916 annual stipend for car expenses and a $9,950 monthly rent covered by the UC. Tonight UCMePwill be awarding Napolitano for her efforts in dismantling the public sphere and for the omnipresent security-industrial complex she brings to the UC (wave to the surveillance cameras!).

The UC Movement for Efficient Privatization is extremely concerned by the pending privatization of the world’s premiere public university and the snail’s pace at which this inevitable transformation is proceeding. UCMeP is proud to sponsor this summit as one of numerous innovative projects to ensure the  swift and efficient privatization of the UC.

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The UC’s 20th President Shortlist

We awoke to startling news this morning that Janet Napolitano would be stepping down as Secretary of Homeland Security to succeed Mark Yudof as the 20th President of the University of California.

Initially we here at UCMeP were satisfied with the curious appointment… until we learned from former film executive Sherry Lansing (head of the UC’s search committee) who was offered the post ahead of Napolitano.

Here is a run-down of the UC’s original short list with Lansing’s commentary included:

5. George Zimmerman

Current Position: Volunteer Neighborhood Watch Chief

“We reached out to Zimmerman because we admired his ‘hands-on’ approach to securing elite spaces against intrusions by undesirables—a skillset Napolitano also promises to bring to the UC. Unfortunately, Zimmerman was preoccupied during the final round of interviews and had to remove himself from consideration.”

4. Lawrence Summers

Current Position: Harvard Economist

“Summers formerly served as president of Harvard and worked in the Reagan, Clinton, and Obama White Houses. We liked him because he all but pioneered the revolving door between the state, finance, and higher education. But when offered the job, Summers refused, declaring UC Berkeley and UC Irvine to be full of ‘anti-semitic fascists.’”

3. Ayn Rand

Current Position: Paul Ryan’s personal tutor

“Like Napolitano, Rand HATES communists, but LOVES books. Unfortunately she has been dead for three decades.”

2. Condoleezza Rice

Current Position: Professor, Stanford University

“Condi actually laughed when she heard our offer. When we insisted that the UC was serious, she said it was ‘cute’ that a cash-strapped public university system thought it could poach personnel from Stanford.”

1. Jan Brewer

Current Position: Governor of Arizona

“Brewer was actually our first choice. She followed in Napolitano’s footsteps as governor of Arizona, but far exceeded expectations. We liked Brewer because of her demonstrated dual commitment to barring access of Latin@s to public education and to dismantling ethnic studies programs. These have been pillars of President Mark Yudof’s tenure at the UC, and part of a program the UC hopes to continue. Brewer declined because she thought her current job as governor positioned her better to fight that whole woman’s-right-to-choose-thing.”

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UC Davis Police Offering New Course in Authoritarianism

We here at the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) are pleased to announce that the UC Davis Police Department is now offering a timely and only mildly psychotic practicum course in authoritarianism.

Below is Lt. John Pike demonstrating a key technique of this curriculum. It certainly takes its cue from the more “hands on” approach recently implemented by UC Berkeley Police Chief Mitch “Make ’em Hurt” Celaya.

If you would like to ask Lt. John Pike any questions about his innovative pedagogical method, please feel free to email him at japikeiii@ucdavis.edu, or call him at 530-752-3989.

And here are two instructional videos:

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Mockupy Cal

On Wednesday, November 9, an ungrateful gaggle of debt-enslaved miscreants tried to pitch their freedom-hating tents near iconic Sproul Plaza, birthplace of the Free Speech Movement. These outside agitators disguised as first-semester freshmen deceptively called their guerilla training camp “Occupy Cal.”

Similar to analogous movements around the world, Occupy Cal aspired to be a disgusting display of consensus-based decision making and activist programming designed to facilitate dangerously political conversations about the most – rather, least – pressing issues of our day.

Like UC Berkeley Chancellor Robert Birgeneau and UC Police Chief Mitch “Make ‘em Hurt” Celaya, we here at the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) wholeheartedly believe that such mass enactments of so-called “democracy” by UC students, workers, and faculty must be ruthlessly crushed.

Students should in no way be allowed to freely speak out or assemble for political and educational purposes at UC Berkeley. It goes against everything that the UC Regents, the UC Police Department, and the UC Office of the President have been so virulently working for in recent years. Any attempt by UC stakeholders to educate one another in a sociable and sustainable manner about budget cuts, austerity, and the gloriously growing economic gap in this country deserves nothing less than the most pitiless pummeling.

Thankfully, a highly skilled and well-remunerated team of crisis managers were called in to UC Berkeley on Wednesday to make crystal clear before the entire world the UC’s official position on calls to democratize and save the world’s premiere public-soon-to-be-private university.

We oligarchs may have won the battle, but we are far from winning the war. Our vested (and vesting) interests in the university are by no means secure. UCMeP regrets to inform its plutocratic peers that this coming Tuesday promises to be the most terrifying day yet in the history of the privatization struggle at the UC. The same radical elements who had the gall to pitch a few tents on Sproul Plaza are now calling for not only the reestablishment of Occupy Cal, but a student strike across higher education in the once golden state of California this coming Tuesday, November 15.

UCMeP has full confidence that everyone’s favorite gun-waving paragons of public safety at the UC Police Department will come out batons swinging (and as we have heard, shotguns blazing) to defend the UC’s proud tradition as a tent-free institute of indoctrination and instrumentalized knowledge production. If we have learned anything from the tepid swamp that is Occupy Oakland, pepper spray, tear-gas, truncheons, and flash-bang grenades will not be enough to quell the self-pitying sensibilities of America’s cantankerous youth.

UCMeP believes that everyone must pitch in this Tuesday to defend the privatization of the the University of California (and public education worldwide). We all must take the law into our own hands and—like UCPD—go beyond the law to furiously smother even the most meekly-articulated demand for democracy at the UC.

UCMeP implores you to join us in protecting Cal from those who want to expropriate it for the public good. We are happy to see several groups and individuals actively working from within to combat the anti-privatization movement at the UC.  But mere internal tactics like red-baiting, moralistic finger-pointing, and turning people over to the police is not nearly enough to ensure eternal triumph for the 1%.

We must—and can—do more.

On Tuesday, November 15, UCMeP calls on all its allies to push the privatization struggle to its limit. Help UCMeP keep the public property of the University California in private hands and join our struggle to “Mockupy Cal.”

The goals of Mockupy Cal are simple: we will vehemently defend UC Berkeley property from any efforts to misdirect its use for the common good. In doing so, Mockupy Cal follows the lead of Chancellor Robert Birgeneau. Not only will we authoritatively dictate the uses of university resources without taking into account the opinion of anyone else on campus, but we will also pitilessly mock and defame any students, faculty, or workers who find themselves on the end of a police baton.

The tactics of Mockupy Cal are straightforward: on Tuesday, November 15, UCMeP and its growing network of oligarchic allies will inhabit and erect defensive structures at prominent campus buildings and outdoor locations. Anyone who we deem unfit (or too ill-dressed) to enter these spaces will be denied passage, and consequently derided for their dearth of aristocratic character, portfolio diversity, and ancestral privilege.

Mockupy Cal will start at 12PM on Tuesday by wresting control of Sproul Plaza. In the spirit of plutocracy, instead of setting up an all-inclusive encampment, Mockupy Cal’s first intervention will be to hold a gourmet champagne luncheon reserved exclusively for VIPs and anyone willing to pledge future earnings to the privatization struggle. Please make sure to bring your checkbook and two forms of ID.

Following the luncheon, Mockupy Cal will move to preemptively defend other campus spaces from pernicious and pugnacious protestors.

For more information on Mockupy Cal, please visit UCMeP’s official information tent, which will be pitched on the northwest lawn directly in front of Sproul Hall on Tuesday.

Mockupy Cal is proudly endorsed by: The Alameda County Sheriff’s Department, Bank of America, Blum Capital, capitalism, Chase Bank, Christopher Edley, CitiBank, The Daily Cal, Haas Business School, Mayor Jean Quan, the Oakland Police Department, Robert Birgeneau, Student Action, the UC Board of Regents, the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP), the UC Police Department, United for Social and Economic Justice, the University of Phoenix, and Wells Fargo.

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UCMeP’s Equality Bake Sale Raises $1.8 Million

Credit: The Daily Cal

We here at the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) are proud to report that today’s “Equality Bake Sale” at UC Berkeley was an exemplary example of predatory privatizing power!

At $22,000 a pop (a subtle nod to what in-state tuition will be if the proposed 81% tuition hike goes through), the cupcakes we sold to hungry undergraduates raised over $1.8 million.

Sure, all of that money came in as student loans provided by the generously usurious Citibank. But like the UC Regents, UCMeP is (almost) certain that the overinflated student loan bubble will never pop. And if it does, well, plutocrats like us won’t be the ones getting screwed!

Considering the astounding success of today’s bake sale, who can honestly say that privatization projects at the UC are not profitable?

Well, no one actually says that… most critics just claim that privatizing public education is reckless, exploitative, and highly unsustainable.

Of these jealous peasants, UCMeP and UC President Mark Yudof say, “Let them eat cupcakes!”

For coverage of today’s “Equality Bake Sale,” see the Daily Cal. For more information on the “Equality Bake Sale” go here.

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Let them Eat Cupcakes!!

Just a friendly reminder…

Tomorrow (Wednesday, October 12) is the much anticipated “Equality Bake Sale” hosted by UCMeP.

Come by Sproul Plaza between 12:00 and 2:00 to taste what it’s like to get ripped off!

Read more here and here (The Bay Citizen).

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Equality Bake Sale

For years, sniveling students at the UC have echoed the same snot-nosed complaint: massive tuition hikes are unfair.

Exemplary of such shrill whining are the obsequious objections to the 81% tuition increase recently proposed by UC President Mark Yudof (which will be considered at the November Regents Meeting in San Francisco).

Such self-righteous bellyaching, however, intentionally ignores the crucial fact that the UC administration’s generously (and unilaterally) instituted tuition hikes epitomize what equality and economic justice have come to mean at the UC.

Like the magnanimous Regents and administrators of the University of California, we here at the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) ardently believe that all students have the right to pay equally exorbitant amounts to attend the UC, regardless of race, gender, ethnicity, or national/geographic origin. That ALL in-state students will soon be charged over $22,000 per year for their education (before housing, food, and other fees) is, quite simply, the epitome of fairness.

UCMeP wholeheartedly agrees with the anger expressed over a certain “Diversity Bake Sale” recently held at UC Berkeley. While we are certainly sympathetic to the goals of the neo-conservative undergrads who organized the bake sale, UCMeP believes that the pricing plan instituted was not only unfair, but disgustingly invidious. We were appalled by how unabashedly it discriminated against affluent white men by asking them to pay fifty cents more than anyone else for a buttery scone.

The inequity of the “Diversity Bake Sale” has prompted UCMeP to respond with its very own “Equality Bake Sale,” which will dramatize the immensely fair logic behind Mark Yudof’s proposed 81% tuition hike: everyone deserves to be ruthlessly exploited, especially when it comes to university tuition.

Please join us Wednesday, October 12, from 12PM-2PM on Sproul Plaza to buy a tasty artisan cupcake, baked by UCMeP. You can be sure that our pricing structure will be as fair as the newest round of tuition hikes:

Every student: $22,000 per cupcake

We fully expect (and hope) that—just like with UC tuition–most students will be unable to afford such a cheaply produced sugary treat at such an incredibly inflated price. To ensure that everyone has an equal opportunity to taste what it is like to get ripped off, UCMeP is pleased to announce that the gloriously usurious Bank of America will be on hand to offer high interest loans to anyone who qualifies. All you need are two forms of ID and the willingness to pen your name to a tortuously worded contractual agreement (that only requires you to sign away your future—much like student loans).

We hope to see you all there! If you don’t come, you’re a communist!

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UC President Mark Yudof’s Mansion Occupied by Irreconcilable Students!

Shortly after midnight on September 22, disgruntled protestors bearing flamethrowers busted down the gilded doors of UC President Mark Yudof’s mansion and began what is an ongoing occupation.

Luckily Mark Yudof and his wife were not home at the time. They  were in Marin playing Boggle with Lynn Tierney and her pet bulldog Bobo.

For some reason, students are upset about the prospect of 81% tuition hikes. Go figure…

Nah, we’re just messing with you (about the occupation that is).

But now that we’ve got your attention, please forget that today (September 22) is Day #1 of Actions against the cuts at the UC.

Whatever you do, do not show up to Sproul Plaza at Noon today.

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UCMeP’s Explosive Welcome Back Cocktail Party is SOLD OUT!

The demand for UCMeP’s “Explosive Welcome Back Cocktail Party” has been incredible!

The first invitations went out yesterday and already all 1,500 tickets for the event are sold out (granted this might have a little something to do with all the other pretty awesome events of the day that benefit the Edible Schoolyard, but we like to think otherwise…).

We even hear that UCPD — everyone’s favorite gun-waving paragons of public safety — will be making an extra special appearance just to protect UCMeP from any outside agitators!

This means: if you do not already have tickets, you can still try to get in at the door, but there is a chance the event will already be at overcapacity.

If you miss out, don’t be upset—you can be sure we’ll film and photograph everything!!

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UCMeP’s Explosive Welcome Back Cocktail Party!!

Welcome back! We here at the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) anticipate this year to be the most profitable year on record at the UC!

While you doggedly juggled four summer jobs to afford the resplendent 12’x10’ 4-person dormitory high-rise you are currently settling into, your oligarchic overlords in the UC administration, the state assembly, and the Federal government were hard at work.  After long hours in conversation with investment banks, equity firms, and building contractors, they devised a number of creative ways to spend your newly increased tuition (whose official endorsement by the Academic Senate certainly had absolutely nothing at all to do with the recent raises they received… COUGH COUGH).  Just one of the many exciting new educational projects is a state-of-the-art equestrian center to be used exclusively by your Cal football team in the offseason—Go Bears!

To start the year off with a bang, UCMeP cordially invites you to a very special welcome back party this Saturday afternoon, August 27. UCMeP is teaming up with OPENrestaurant and restauranteur Alice Waters of Chez Panisse fame (yes, we are serious) to host an unforgettable cocktail party at one of UC Berkeley’s most elite establishments, the Berkeley Art Museum. The cocktail party is the capstone of a daylong event commemorating the 40th anniversary of Waters’ swanky Berkeley eatery.

What better way to celebrate an academic year that promises unprecedented austerity cuts and the pauperization of an entire generation of students than to hold an exclusive mid-afternoon cocktail party in honor of Chez Panisse on the UC Berkeley campus.

Please join us in the courtyard of the Berkeley Art Museum on Saturday, August 27 at 3:30PM for an afternoon affair you will not soon forget.

Here’s just a sample of some of the tasty concoctions UCMeP’s mixologists will be whipping up—all of which are inspired by the increasingly efficient privatization of what once was the world’s premiere public university:

The Sour Debtor

This surly libation is specially suited for the tens of thousands of students and workers at the UC who are looking for a delectable way to stave off any unsavory resentment they might be harboring about the mountain of debt under which the UC and state government are currently opportunistically burying them alive. The Sour Debtor is a tasteful (and tasty!) way to mollify those unattractive inclinations to go out and do something unbecoming to prevent (e.g., protest) your promising future of lifelong debt enslavement. Simply mix even shots of whiskey and 151-proof grain alcohol with a squirt of lime, and presto: you’ve got the perfect fix for all your financial woes! Why become bitter about a life of debt when you can forget about it by throwing back a few Sour Debtors?

The Sasparilla Switch-a-roo

We call this drink the Sasparilla Switch-a-roo, but it’s actually a flexible recipe that can be made with any imbibeable liquid. The key to the Sasparilla Switch-a-roo is not so much the ingredients that go into it, but the methodology behind it—one truly inspired by the way the UC administration and State government are creatively dismantling the world’s premiere public university.

To make a Sasparilla Switch-a-roo, belligerently empty a bottle of any top-shelf liquor or champagne. Make sure to keep the label firmly affixed! Refill the bottle with a vastly inferior substance (we prefer a sasparilla-flavored beverage like root beer, but that’s just us). Next, resell the bottle at an unfathomably increased rate (maybe try 32% at first, and then adjust subsequent hikes according to how your customers react). Meanwhile—and this is essential—make sure you advertise the drink as the exact same product that earned the bottle’s good name.

The Sasparilla Switch-a-roo is more than a metaphor for how the UC Board of Regents and administrators like Dean Christopher Edley are using the UC’s inimitable history of excellence in public education to sell a product of considerably lesser quality at a massively inflated price.  The Switch-a-roo is a toothsome beverage well-suited for any warm August afternoon!

The Molotov Cocktail (á la Chez Panisse)

The name of this drink might raise a few eyebrows… but have no fear. As the parenthetical addition suggests, the Molotov Cocktail (á la Chez Panisse) is just about as revolutionary as Chez Panisse (which is to say, thankfully not at all). While UCMeP is typically wary to support any self-identified (and successfully self-marketed) progressive movement, dropping $500 at Chez Panisse for a “sustainable” dinner for two is just the type of radicalism UCMeP can get behind!

While we will keep the recipe for this concoction secret until Saturday, we promise you, the Molotov Cocktail (á la Chez Panisse) is nothing like the low-class incendiary substance in a bottle so favored by radical degenerates and other expropriated populations. It’s a drink fit for any late evening soiree outside the Chancellor’s house…

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