TOOL of the Year Award Ceremony Keynote Address from the Chairman

On Friday, January 29 UCMeP hosted a very special award ceremony in which UC Berkeley spokesperson Dan “Big-D” Mogulof was named UCMeP’s TOOL of the Year. Mr. Mogulof himself was on hand to receive the award. At Mr. Mogulof’s request, the public spokesperson was given the award in a private event before an audience of about 90 students, faculty, employees, and administrators. More on the event is to come, but you can find the keynote address delivered by the Chairman of UCMeP below:


Delivered January 29, 2010.

Today, we gather to recognize one loquacious man’s masterful service to the administration and police force of the University of California, Berkeley: our very own meister of the media, purveyor of public relations, titan of truth, Dan “Big-D” Mogulof.

Considering all this man has been through in recent months – the beatings, the arrests, the taserings, the tear-gassings, the police raids, the massive tuition hikes – we are just so pleased to give him the credit he deserves for keeping such a straight face through it all.

Yet the significance of today’s glamorous event extends well beyond the mere celebration of a single man’s enviable accomplishments.

As I believe you all are well aware, originally, today’s event was to be a public affair, held in Big-D’s office with attendance open to the entire campus community. Yet Big-D’s reticence to receiving the award in public led UCMeP to scale down our plans for a grandiose public spectacle.

While we were at first loathe to make such dramatic changes to today’s event, it soon occurred to us that such a transformation could allow our ceremony to accomplish something that would have otherwise been impossible.

Friends, the private dynamic of what was once intended to be something the entire public could benefit from, makes today’s event a microcosm of what UCMeP  is working so hard to achieve here at UC Berkeley. This is our attempt at transforming a small piece of campus property (for however short a time) into what we believe UC Berkeley one day can become: a strictly private affair.

I guess you could say, this is our experiment with what all those nihilistic anarchistic non-student outside agitators currently terrorizing our campus call direct action. Yet unlike the transparency, inclusivity, and publicness that spoiled something like Freeler Hall, today’s more glamorous gala takes inspiration from the models set by our illustrious autocrats at the UC and of course, exemplified in the extralegal student tribunals currently being held on campus.

Recently, I and a small delegation of UCMeP’s elite inner-circle had the privilege to sit down with Big-D and chat about his award. To say that he was humbled by being named T.O.O.L. of the year would be an understatement. Big-D repeatedly emphasized— in his characteristic long-winded manner— that he had not earned the honor UCMeP was bestowing upon him. He reiterated that there are so many others out there who have had a bigger hand in the accomplishments we attributed to him.

D was of course absolutely correct when he averred that he does not deserve all the credit for the path UC Berkeley and public education in California are currently barreling down. We cannot forget the administrators, the legislators, the movie stars-turned-governors, the unbelievable public indifference (dare I say willful ignorance), and of course those unfailing tax structures.

Yet this does not mean that Big-D is not a tool, one used to do the dirty jobs that our decision-makers on campus simply refuse to soil their hands with. He is, of course, not the architect of Berkeley’s future, not even a humble carpenter. But as we all know, if we are going to build the most corporate and instrumentalizing university the world has ever seen, we simply cannot do it if without the right tools. So thank you Mr. Mogulof for being the most reliable of tools.

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