TOOL of the Year Award Ceremony Script!

UCMeP is happy to share the script from January 29th’s historic TOOL of the Award Ceremony! For more information on this event please go here.

We apologize but due to Mr. Mogulof’s strictly enforced media blackout on the event, there is no video record of the award ceremony (that we know exists…)

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Dan Mogulof is the TOOL of the Year

An Award Ceremony and “Private/Public Forum”

by UCMeP

10 minutes before show-time, the house opens and the guests are subjected to a moderately invasive security check (pat-downs, bomb-screenings, id checks, loyalty oaths, etc) before entering. Ushers instruct them where to sit. The audience is free to mingle, look at the cake, peruse UCMeP documents and signs on display around the room. Elegant music plays softly in the background.

The lights dim. The audience takes their seats and quiets down. The lights fade to black.

Tony Robbins video “Get the Best Tools” begins to play on the overhead screen.

As the video ends, the Master of Ceremonies takes the stage. The lights come back up.

MC: As our mentor, self-help guru, motivational speaker, and author of such inspiring books, seminars, infomercials as Unleash the Power Within, Date with Destiny, and our favorite Mastery University makes clear, in order to succeed you need the right tools. And not just any “rinky dinky tools,” you need ones that are reliable, efficient, dynamic, and, of course, uncompromising. And friends that is why we are here today, to recognize and honor a man who embodies everything a TOOL stands for. Everyone, a round of applause for the man of the hour, Dan Mogulof.

Gestures to Big-D sitting in the front row. Wait for applause to die down before continuing.

Wow, what an honor! To be invited by this most elite coterie to MC this very special award ceremony. To actually stand here in the same room as the former CBS Bureau Chief, someone who has traveled so far and wide, someone who has taken his success in such stride, and graced us with his presence here at the University of California. To tell you the truth, I feel like I’m dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I’m a pretty sound sleeper, that might not be enough. Somebody beat me with a baton.

Now seriously folks, on behalf of the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization it is my privilege and esteemed honor to welcome you to this very exclusive private celebration for the Executive Director of Public Affairs, one Dan “the man” Mogulof, or as we like to call him, Big-D.

We would just like to apologize for the added security measures. As we all are well aware, this campus is currently under “siege” by radical fanatics, something that Big-D and his office have been so adept at identifying and propagating to the national media. UCMeP has reason to believe that these extremists would like nothing more than to rain on this man’s parade. And so we thank you for your understanding because as we all know extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures.

We’ve got a jam packed program for you this afternoon. First up, a very special musical performance. So without further ado, I would like to welcome to the stage one of UCMeP’s favorite song and dance ensembles, Bernadette and the Bandettes:

The overhead lights dim as the stage lights come on. Bernadette and the Bandettes take the stage and perform a rousing country rendition of “The Greatest Love of All.”

Song ends. The MC returns to the stage.

MC: Wow, that was special. Can we have another round of applause for Bernadette and the Bandettes. Wonderful ladies, thank you.

Now ladies and gentleman it is my privilege to introduce to you the Chairman of the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization.

Chairman comes to the podium, shakes hands with the MC, and delivers his keynote.

CHAIRMAN: Today, we gather to recognize one loquacious man’s masterful service to the administration and police force of the University of California, Berkeley: our very own meister of the media, purveyor of public relations, titan of truth, Dan “Big-D” Mogulof.

Considering all this man has been through in recent months – the beatings, the arrests, the taserings, the tear-gassings, the police raids, the massive tuition hikes – we are just so pleased to give him the credit he deserves for keeping such a straight face through it all.

Yet the significance of today’s glamorous event extends well beyond the mere celebration of a single man’s enviable accomplishments.

As I believe you all are well aware, originally, today’s event was to be a public affair, held in Big-D’s office with attendance open to the entire campus community. Yet Big-D’s reticence to receiving the award in public led UCMeP to scale down our plans for a grandiose public spectacle.

While we were at first loathe to make such dramatic changes to today’s event, it soon occurred to us that such a transformation could allow our ceremony to accomplish something that would have otherwise been impossible.

Friends, the private dynamic of what was once intended to be something the entire public could benefit from, makes today’s event a microcosm of what UCMeP  is working so hard to achieve here at UC Berkeley. This is our attempt at transforming a small piece of campus property (for however short a time) into what we believe UC Berkeley one day can become: a strictly private affair.

I guess you could say, this is our experiment with what all those nihilistic anarchistic non-student outside agitators currently terrorizing our campus call prefigurative politics. Yet unlike the transparency, inclusivity, and publicness that spoiled something like Freeler Hall, today’s more glamorous gala takes inspiration from the models set by our illustrious autocrats at the UC and of course, exemplified in the extralegal student tribunals currently being held on campus.

Recently, I and a small delegation of UCMeP’s elite inner-circle had the privilege to sit down with Big-D and chat about his award. To say that he was humbled by being named T.O.O.L. of the year would be an understatement. Big-D repeatedly emphasized– in his characteristic long-winded manner– that he had not earned the honor UCMeP was bestowing upon him. He reiterated that there are so many others out there who have had a bigger hand in the accomplishments we attributed to him.

D was of course absolutely correct when he averred that he does not deserve all the credit for the path UC Berkeley and public education in California are currently barreling down. We cannot forget the administrators, the legislators, the movie stars-turned-governors, the unbelievable public indifference (dare I say willful ignorance), and of course those unfailing tax structures.

Yet this does not mean that Big-D is not a tool, one used to do the dirty jobs that our decision-makers on campus simply refuse to soil their hands with. He is, of course, not the architect of Berkeley’s future, not even a humble carpenter. But as we all know, if we are going to build the most corporate and instrumentalizing university the world has ever seen, we simply cannot do it if without the right tools. So thank you Mr. Mogulof for being the most reliable of tools.

Now, before we bring Big-D up on stage to receive his award, we have prepared for you a very special slideshow that commemorates some of Big-D’s greatest hits of the last year.

Slideshow plays accompanied by Louis Armstrong’s “Bibbity Boppity Boo.” The audience cannot help but get up and dance as the slideshow plays.

Mogulof’s Greatest Hits Slideshow!

The slideshow ends. The MC, the Chairman, and the Bandettes assemble on stage. Bernadette is holding Big-D’s award.

MC: Wow, that was inspirational. We hope you all enjoyed that as much as we enjoyed making it!

Now it’s the moment you have all been waiting for. Can we get Big-D up on stage to accept his award?

Big-D comes on stage and stands between the Chairman and Bernadette.

CHAIRMAN: Mr Mogulof, Big-D, on behalf of the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization it is my honor to name you UCMePs TOOL of the Year.

Bernadette gives him the award. Photo opportunities are had and the crowd goes wild.

Bandettes exit stage left. The MC and CHAIRMAN return to their seats. Big-D invites his spokesperson, Paula O’Toole to the stage to give his acceptance speech.

Acceptance speech ends. And the MC returns to the stage as the Bandettes bring two talk-show chairs onto the stage.

MC: Wow, that was humble. Thank you so much. Well, we are now at the point in today’s program where Big-D has so generously agreed to field some questions. I would now like to invite Big-D and the Chairman back to the stage to get the form started. While the forum is going on, the Bandettes will be handing out cake to all.

Big-D and the Chairman return to the stage where they sit down in the comfy seats.

The Bandettes begin handing out cake to the audience.

MC: And now everyone I’d like to turn things over to Big-D and the Chairman who will get this public forum started.

MC hands microphone over to the Chairman who asks the first question.

CHAIRMAN: So D, we all know that before coming to Berkeley you had a very prestigious career with CBS. We all are wondering how you came to work in the public sector. Was your entrance into public education just some accident like it was for UC President Mark Yudof, or was there something more to it?

The Forum begins…..

Following the Forum, the Chairman, playing his ukulele, lead the entire audience in a rendition of Kumbaya.

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