The following letter was sent to a highly elite coterie of administrators, faculty, students, alumni, and employees. Due to the extremely private dynamic of the TOOL of the Year Award Ceremony (as demanded requested by UC Berkeley spokesperson Dan Mogulof) attendance was by invite only. Our 90-person guest-list consisted solely of the most faithful of the UCMeP faithful. Had you been lucky enough to receive an invitation, this is what it would have looked like.
Dear UCMeP Faithful,
It is with great pride and immense pleasure that we here at the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) invite you to what will most certainly be one of the most anticipated and talked about events of the year.
At noon on Friday, January 29, UCMeP will host a secret “public” award ceremony to celebrate the rhetorical talents and enviable accomplishments of UC Berkeley’s own official spokesperson, Dan (Big-D) Mogulof. As you can quite imagine, this gala event, which will feature the presence of Big-D himself, promises to be a glamorous once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. We hope you can be on hand for the glorious moment when UCMeP presents Big-D with the prestigious honor of being named “UCMeP’s Top Outstanding Oratorical Leader (T.O.O.L.) of the Year.”
Recently, a small delegation from UCMeP’s elite inner-circle had the privilege to meet with the man of the hour and work out the celebration’s jam-packed program. This delightful one-on-one with Big-D only affirmed our initial impressions of UC Berkeley’s official spokesperson, leaving no doubt in our minds that he is every bit the T.O.O.L. we originally thought (you can find a recently censored revised version of the award-letter we sent to Big-D at http://privatizeucnow.tumblr.com/post/352085523/revised-award-letter-to-dan-mogulof).
We were further impressed when Big-D not only volunteered funds to help cover refreshments (although we’re still waiting on the check), but also graciously agreed to take part in a “public” forum as part of the event! Not only will you have the chance to help us celebrate this man’s many accomplishments, but Big-D will even be on hand to field questions from about the tough job he performs so well for UC Berkeley’s administration and police force.
In sending you this save the date letter, UCMeP is making you privy to information that should not, we repeat, should not be spread. It is of the utmost importance that the larger campus community not get word of the event or the event venue and not simply because Big-D remains reticent over the honor we are bestowing upon him. The fact is, UCMeP has reason to believe that there are extremists out there who, given the opportunity, would like nothing more than to rain on this man’s parade by disrupting his award ceremony. As we all know (largely thanks to Big-D and the wonderful job being done by his office of public affairs), the campus of UC Berkeley is currently under “siege” by radical fanatics. Due to the ubiquitous and increasingly amorphous threat these dangerous elements pose not only to campus security but to the physical well-being of Big-D himself, UCMeP requests that you keep knowledge of the event location a closely guarded secret.
With this said, we hope that you will help us celebrate this man’s wonderful service to the elites at the University of California. And did we mention, there will be cake. Lots of cake.
In order to reserve your spot on the guest-list, please RSVP to firstname.lastname@example.org as soon as possible. UCMeP politely requests that you dress appropriately for a midday gala event as sign of respect for Big-D. We kindly ask that Gentlemen wear ties and jackets and Ladies wear nice dresses, skirts, or pantsuits. We look forward to this historic event and cannot wait to see you there!