Announcement of UCMeP’s Candidates for ASUC
For decades UC Berkeley’s student government (ASUC) has been a frat-tastic refuge for the future autocrats and investment bankers of our once-golden state. Week in and week out, these precocious living products of our glorious hedge-fund society have bravely ventured into the hallowed halls of Eshelmann Hall to ardently pretend they were doing something worthwhile with their time. In return for sitting by quietly as administrators, state officials, and corporate executives systematically dismantled public education before their very eyes, these irreproachable individuals got to add a killer line to their resumes.
We here at the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) are, of course, thankful to ironically named student parties like “Student Action” and “Cal-Serv” for doing their part to aide the destruction of public education by doing nothing to substantially resist the privatization of the University of California. But as we all know, we stand at the dawn of a new era, and this new era calls for — nay, demands! — new blood to course through the clogged arteries that constitute Berkeley student government.
Let us be clear, there still exist significant obstacles in the path toward fully privatizing the UC. All of the challenges that cannot be resolved by the swing of a baton or the shock of a taser will need heroic leaders brave enough to implement policies that go against the interests of most of those enrolled or working at UC Berkeley.
With this said, UCMeP is proud to announce its brave decision to run for every single office offered by ASUC. UCMeP’s campaign will be guided by the bold, forward-looking slogan: “Demand Nothing, Privatize Everything!”
We have assembled a formidable slate of candidates who will steadfastly walk the party line set by the UC Board of Regents while refusing to waste time by participating in substantive debate. With less than a third of students even bothering to vote in student government elections, ASUC is far from a democratically elected body (even by the Regents’ standards). But like any paper tiger worthy of the name, ASUC maintains an aura of authority that administrators never hesitate pointing to when arguing that there do exist legitimate channels on campus for students to lodge their concerns. We hope to (literally) capitalize on the Ponzi-Scheme that is ASUC and push through many modest proposals.
We are immensely proud to reveal UCMeP’s slate of candidates for ASUC:
Mandy “Yark Mudof” Cohen
Executive Vice President:
Shane “Higher Fees Please” Boyle
Academic Affairs Vice President:
Jessica “Bond Collateral” Smith
External Affairs Vice President:
Brandon “Wanna be the Governator” Woolf
Danny “Criminals not Students” Marcus
Jessie “Padding my Resume” Hock
Alex “Privatize Everything!” Dubilet
Click here to view UCMeP’s Full Campaign Platform
Go here to view UCMeP’s Impressive Qualifications (including endorsements!)