Jared M. Kemper is UCMeP’s 2010 TOOL of the Year

Watch out all you anarchists and outside agitators, hooligans and humanities majors – there’s a new TOOL in town! And he’s got his sights set on putting a cap on all the hubbub over fee hikes, layoffs, and executive compensation by popping a cap in whoever gets in the way of Mark Yudof’s “Master Plan.” His name is Officer Jared “I’m Gonna Shoot You in the Face” Kemper – but you can call him Sir.

That’s right. The UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) is proud to announce that Officer Jared Kemper of the UC Irvine Police Department has been named the Top Outstanding Oratorical Leader (TOOL) of 2010!! Please see below for the award letter that UCMeP sent to the man of honor earlier this morning. And be sure to spread this exciting news far and wide!!

Dear Sir,

The now widely circulated image of you standing tall and lionhearted with your sidearm drawn against hordes of really scary-looking college kids bearing picket signs and bongo drums is etched permanently into our memories. Like UC Media Director Peter King, the Daily Cal and so many others around the once golden state of California, we here at the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) are in complete and utter awe of the valiant equanimity you displayed while being perilously besieged in the parking garage of UCSF on Wednesday, November 17. Since that fateful day, we have been entranced by the video of you whipping out a handgun in a last ditch effort to keep private a “public” meeting of the UC Regents. Like Michelangelo’s chisel or Shakespeare’s quill, your police-issued firearm seemed an extension not only of your body, but of your soul.

More than anything, your unwavering commitment to valiantly defending the God-given right of a small group of wealthy, white plutocrats to trample on the dreams of the masses has left us dumbfounded. You are surely a force to be reckoned with, and we thank the heavens that your gun is on our side of the privatization struggle.

We Californians are used to seeing your impassioned, volatile, and trigger-happy type employed by a real police force – like the Oakland or LA Police Department. We don’t know which written test or physical exam  you had to fail at police academy to join UCPD, but frankly, we don’t care. We here at UCMeP know a diamond in the rough when we see one, which is why we are proud to bestow upon you the biggest honor UCMeP has to offer. For gallantly going well beyond the call of duty to serve the Regents and senior administration of the UC without any regard for the health and safety of UC students, UCMeP is pleased to name you the Top Outstanding Oratorical Leader (TOOL) of 2010.

Last year, when UCMeP boldly joined the aristocratic crusade to end public education in the state of California, we knew we were in for a fight. Like our stalwart allies in the UC Office of the President and the California State Legislature, we were prepared to massage the truth and ruthlessly withhold whatever information was necessary to get what we wanted. While UCMeP has long been a fan of the UCPD’s strategy of using “less-lethal” arms (truncheons, pepper spray, tasers, rubber bullets) against unarmed students, we now admit that for far too long we have maintained a foolhardy belief that firearms need not be taken up to privative the UC.

Officer Kemper, we have only you to thank for pointing out the reckless naivety and astounding inefficiency of our former privatization strategy. Like fog clearing over the Golden Gate Bridge on a summer morn, we now can clearly see the path that lies before us. It is no longer enough for the UC Regents to extort money from its students in order to invest in high-risk weather derivatives. If we want to privatize the world’s leading public university, we must start mugging students at gunpoint.

Now, you might be asking yourself, what is it that makes you worthy of being a TOOL? Unlike last year’s awardee, you have never demonstrated any exceptional rhetorical or intellectual talents. But Sir, you have proven – in inspiring fashion – that the ability to get one’s point across need not entail eloquence, articulation, or even the ability to compose a compound sentence. You have shown that actions (especially when backed up by firepower) will always speak louder than words. To convince someone to do something, you need not be blessed with a silver tongue – you must only be willing and able to pump someone full of lead.

We here at UCMeP fully believe that your brand of Johannes Mehserle-esque argumentation – what we like to call “coercive reasoning” – can pick up where the UC’s highly effective albeit routine, rhetorical methods (lying, defaming, creative accounting, paper-shredding) peter out.

With all of this said, UCMeP hopes that naming you the TOOL of the Year will also bring honor to your brothers in arms. UCMeP has long known that UCPD is full of a bunch of TOOLs just like you (particularly Lieutenant Eric “no, you can’t have a cup of water” Tejada, Officer Quincy “rough n’ tumble” Ruffin, and that dude who always rides his motorcycle through Berkeley’s campus). For this reason, we hope that your award is taken by your fellow heroes at UCPD as long overdue recognition of all the hard work you gun-waving paragons of “public” safety do to ensure that senior administrators get richer as students are buried alive beneath growing mountains of debt. Moreover, we hope that future displays of “coercive reasoning” will teach all those snot-nosed students that if they want to keep protesting having to pay new fees, then they are just going to have to pay…Kent State-style.

Faithfully Yours,

UCMeP

To send a word of congratulations to Officer Kemper, please see his contact information below:

Officer Jared M. Kemper
150 Public Services
University of California, Irvine
Irvine, CA 92697-4900
(949) 824-5223
f. (949) 824-8567
e-mail. kemperj@uci.edu
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17 Comments

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17 responses to “Jared M. Kemper is UCMeP’s 2010 TOOL of the Year

  1. Pingback: Jared M. Kemper is UCMeP's 2010 TOOL of the Year « UC Movement for … central university

  2. Animaniacs

    Have you sent this to his email? I believe he deserves this prestigious award 🙂

  3. Pingback: Tweets that mention Jared M. Kemper is UCMeP’s 2010 TOOL of the Year « UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) -- Topsy.com

  4. concerned

    Behind your satire, sarcasm and fancy prose is a serious issue. You are shamefully and ironically scapegoating a blue collar peace officer for what is wider and much deeper issue
    with our state, national, and worldwide economy. You are doing an injustice to this serious issue. The higher price of UC education is being mandated by
    a board appointed by the Governor, not this peace officer. If both of you, Shane Boyle and Brandon Woolf, really cared about the plight of the working and middle class men and women and their right
    to a cheap or free higher education, you wouldn’t be vilifying one of them. You really need to stop this, take this letter down, and apologize.

    Truly yours, a concerned citizen.

    P.S. It would great if you told the readers
    of your blog about your disadvantaged childhoods and how you have come to afford your really expensive, low-return theater degrees.

    • You bring up some excellent points that I completely agree with regarding the budget cuts in California. But in doing so you completely ignore the fact that a police officer who gets paid over $74,000 dollars a year pulled a loaded firearm on students who were protesting the continuation of a trend that promises to put both them and future generations into a lifetime of not only wage-slavery, but debt-slavery. You completely play down the seriousness of an officer pulling a gun on students while trying to paint Officer Kemper as blue collar. The last time I checked, $74,000 a year does not qualify anyone as blue collar. We are not scapegoating him, we are shaming him and anyone else who would even consider it acceptable and appropriate to even consider using deadly force on students. Kemper will likely receive no punishment from UCPD, let alone UCOP who seems to hardly give a shit that someone on their payroll put their students in EXTREME danger. Who the hell is going to hold Kemper accountable? Who is going to hold UCPD accountable? Who is going to hold UCOP accountable? Certainly not you. If you want to support this sort of behavior, go ahead and I hope you are satisfied when a cop kills a student. Murders committed by cops happen frequently enough in the bay area that no one will be surprised when one is committed by a member of UCPD. If you don’t think this is a possibility, then you need to wake up and realize the world you are living in. If you want to talk about this further with me then I suggest you come out from behind your anonymous “concerned citizen” facade and contact me directly. best, shane

  5. concerned

    Shane,

    Your use of hyperbole doesn’t make you right; especially your use of the word slavery. You are talking about young adults (UC berkeley especially) who are going to be the next generation of leaders in this country. They are
    hardly going to be slaves and they don’t represent the poor and disinfranchised. Furthermore, you can’t seriously suggest that this Officer felt completely safe and that he was excercising political repression on behalf of the wealthy elite. He was mobbed by
    a highly aggressive crowd of adults. And I will not disclose who I am, as I see what you and your “academic” friends do to people on blogs, twitter, facebook and other internet communications, which is a form of repression itself.
    Its unfair, unethical, and unproductive to target a nonpolitical individual in this way, no matter what you think of how the Officer handled this law enforcement situation.

    a concerned citizen

    P.S. I still think you should apologize.

    • “Your use of hyperbole doesn’t make you right; especially your use of the word slavery. You are talking about young adults (UC berkeley especially) who are going to be the next generation of leaders in this country. They are
      hardly going to be slaves and they don’t represent the poor and disinfranchised.”
      I didn’t say they represent the poor and disenfranchised, but in actual fact, many do – especially the undocumented friends I have at the uc. And I stand by my use of the word slavery to describe the types of futures awaiting college grads who are or could be in hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt by the time they graduate and are forced to work whatever job they can find so their debt doesn’t increase.
      “Furthermore, you can’t seriously suggest that this Officer felt completely safe and that he was excercising political repression on behalf of the wealthy elite.”
      he might have felt unsafe but not as unsafe as the students getting beat, pepper-sprayed, and threatened with a gun. and yes he was exercising political repression on behalf of the Rich Blums and Russell Goulds of the world. What else was he doing? ensuring public safety? if by public you mean the regents, then ok.

      “Its unfair, unethical, and unproductive to target a nonpolitical individual in this way, no matter what you think of how the Officer handled this law enforcement situation.”
      a cop is hardly a non-political individual.

      “P.S. I still think you should apologize.”
      how about this, i’ll apologize when kemper and ucop apologize. and when ucpd disarms kemper out of recognition that he is mentally and emotionally unfit to carry a gun.

  6. Blanche

    My response is specifically to the sentence “More than anything, your unwavering commitment to valiantly defending the God-given right of a small group of wealthy, white plutocrats to trample on the dreams of the masses has left us dumbfounded.”

    Being white is not evil. You cannot change your DNA. It is no better or worse than being Asian, Black, etc. Is there a disparity between whites and other races in wealth and power–yes. However, attributing their race as a negative quality is wrong, just as wrong as it would be for someone else to write about others as “the vocal, whiny [insert race of choice here] student population.” Wouldn’t that be labeled as a racist attack?

  7. Nancy Lipner

    Hysterical. And as a graduate of Cal 9/1969, I can tell you, you don’t have to go to Kent State for Cal students to be fired on.

  8. Pingback: UCMeP gives Kemper its 2010 TOOL of the Year Award | THOSE WHO USE IT

  9. Reality

    100% justifiable actions by the officer. Video was evidence enough. Sorry bro!

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