Watch out all you anarchists and outside agitators, hooligans and humanities majors – there’s a new TOOL in town! And he’s got his sights set on putting a cap on all the hubbub over fee hikes, layoffs, and executive compensation by popping a cap in whoever gets in the way of Mark Yudof’s “Master Plan.” His name is Officer Jared “I’m Gonna Shoot You in the Face” Kemper – but you can call him Sir.
That’s right. The UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) is proud to announce that Officer Jared Kemper of the UC Irvine Police Department has been named the Top Outstanding Oratorical Leader (TOOL) of 2010!! Please see below for the award letter that UCMeP sent to the man of honor earlier this morning. And be sure to spread this exciting news far and wide!!
The now widely circulated image of you standing tall and lionhearted with your sidearm drawn against hordes of really scary-looking college kids bearing picket signs and bongo drums is etched permanently into our memories. Like UC Media Director Peter King, the Daily Cal and so many others around the once golden state of California, we here at the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) are in complete and utter awe of the valiant equanimity you displayed while being perilously besieged in the parking garage of UCSF on Wednesday, November 17. Since that fateful day, we have been entranced by the video of you whipping out a handgun in a last ditch effort to keep private a “public” meeting of the UC Regents. Like Michelangelo’s chisel or Shakespeare’s quill, your police-issued firearm seemed an extension not only of your body, but of your soul.
More than anything, your unwavering commitment to valiantly defending the God-given right of a small group of wealthy, white plutocrats to trample on the dreams of the masses has left us dumbfounded. You are surely a force to be reckoned with, and we thank the heavens that your gun is on our side of the privatization struggle.
We Californians are used to seeing your impassioned, volatile, and trigger-happy type employed by a real police force – like the Oakland or LA Police Department. We don’t know which written test or physical exam you had to fail at police academy to join UCPD, but frankly, we don’t care. We here at UCMeP know a diamond in the rough when we see one, which is why we are proud to bestow upon you the biggest honor UCMeP has to offer. For gallantly going well beyond the call of duty to serve the Regents and senior administration of the UC without any regard for the health and safety of UC students, UCMeP is pleased to name you the Top Outstanding Oratorical Leader (TOOL) of 2010.
Last year, when UCMeP boldly joined the aristocratic crusade to end public education in the state of California, we knew we were in for a fight. Like our stalwart allies in the UC Office of the President and the California State Legislature, we were prepared to massage the truth and ruthlessly withhold whatever information was necessary to get what we wanted. While UCMeP has long been a fan of the UCPD’s strategy of using “less-lethal” arms (truncheons, pepper spray, tasers, rubber bullets) against unarmed students, we now admit that for far too long we have maintained a foolhardy belief that firearms need not be taken up to privative the UC.
Officer Kemper, we have only you to thank for pointing out the reckless naivety and astounding inefficiency of our former privatization strategy. Like fog clearing over the Golden Gate Bridge on a summer morn, we now can clearly see the path that lies before us. It is no longer enough for the UC Regents to extort money from its students in order to invest in high-risk weather derivatives. If we want to privatize the world’s leading public university, we must start mugging students at gunpoint.
Now, you might be asking yourself, what is it that makes you worthy of being a TOOL? Unlike last year’s awardee, you have never demonstrated any exceptional rhetorical or intellectual talents. But Sir, you have proven – in inspiring fashion – that the ability to get one’s point across need not entail eloquence, articulation, or even the ability to compose a compound sentence. You have shown that actions (especially when backed up by firepower) will always speak louder than words. To convince someone to do something, you need not be blessed with a silver tongue – you must only be willing and able to pump someone full of lead.
We here at UCMeP fully believe that your brand of Johannes Mehserle-esque argumentation – what we like to call “coercive reasoning” – can pick up where the UC’s highly effective albeit routine, rhetorical methods (lying, defaming, creative accounting, paper-shredding) peter out.
With all of this said, UCMeP hopes that naming you the TOOL of the Year will also bring honor to your brothers in arms. UCMeP has long known that UCPD is full of a bunch of TOOLs just like you (particularly Lieutenant Eric “no, you can’t have a cup of water” Tejada, Officer Quincy “rough n’ tumble” Ruffin, and that dude who always rides his motorcycle through Berkeley’s campus). For this reason, we hope that your award is taken by your fellow heroes at UCPD as long overdue recognition of all the hard work you gun-waving paragons of “public” safety do to ensure that senior administrators get richer as students are buried alive beneath growing mountains of debt. Moreover, we hope that future displays of “coercive reasoning” will teach all those snot-nosed students that if they want to keep protesting having to pay new fees, then they are just going to have to pay…Kent State-style.
To send a word of congratulations to Officer Kemper, please see his contact information below:Officer Jared M. Kemper 150 Public Services University of California, Irvine Irvine, CA 92697-4900 (949) 824-5223 f. (949) 824-8567 e-mail. firstname.lastname@example.org