We write today with exciting news: UCMeP has applied to be a columnist for UC Berkeley’s student-run newspaper, the Daily Cal!
While decisions are not expected for two weeks, we have a good feeling that after reading our cover letter (pasted below), the Daily Cal will feel compelled to select UCMeP as a columnist.
In the meantime, please feel free to bombard the Daily Cal’s Opinion Editor (email@example.com) and Development Editor (firstname.lastname@example.org) with emails explaining why you feel UCMeP should have a column in the Daily Cal.
Dear Daily Cal,
We here at the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) are pleased to offer you the enviable opportunity to make UCMeP a columnist for your venerable publication. In case you have been living under a rock for the past year and a half (as regular readers of Daily Cal columns, we fear this might be the case) and do not know what UCMeP is, allow us to catch you up.
Like the Daily Cal, UCMeP is an independent organization of students and alumni who are dedicated to serving the interests of the UC administration and police department. And like so many other faculty, staff, and students of the University of California, UCMeP is extremely concerned by the pending privatization of the world’s premiere public university. Yet unlike those whining over the direction in which certain elites are steering the UC, UCMeP is deeply troubled by the snail’s pace at which this inevitable transformation is proceeding. Since 2009, UCMeP has spearheaded a number of innovative projects aimed at ensuring the swift and efficient privatization of the University of California.
Now you might be asking yourself, what can UCMeP provide the Daily Cal that it hasn’t already had in the past? To be completely honest, the content UCMeP has to offer is hardly any different from what Daily Cal columnists are known for regularly spewing out, ie. sensationalist and moralizing defamations of student activists, blind affirmations of the right of UC police to draw firearms on students, and fairly offensive defenses of structural racism. So content-wise, all UCMeP can offer the Daily Cal is more of the same.
But we promise you, it will be more of the same with style. Think Roman Zhuk (your former wonderfully reactionary Opinion Editor) but with a better haircut and a wardrobe that wasn’t picked out by our mom.
That’s what UCMeP will give the Daily Cal.
Possible future columns could include: “UC Cyber-Campus: Giving New Meaning to Separate but Equal,” “Why UC Custodians Should Pay to Pick Up My Trash,” and, “No Humanities? No Problem.”
Regarding multi-media stuff, UCMeP has proven itself more than adept at utilizing media of all sorts. Check out UCMeP’s website at www.ucmep.wordpress.com for examples. And if the Daily Cal lets us, we would be happy to make UCMeP podcasts and even a feature length biopic about the life of UC Regent Richard Blum entitled, “How to Make Millions off the Poverty of Others.”
And one final note, people often think that UCMeP’s rhetoric regarding the urgent need to swiftly privatize the world’s leading public university is a joke. Let us be clear, we are entirely serious about becoming a Daily Cal columnist. And if you choose us, UCMeP might actually consider selling you your website domain back.