Equality Bake Sale

For years, sniveling students at the UC have echoed the same snot-nosed complaint: massive tuition hikes are unfair.

Exemplary of such shrill whining are the obsequious objections to the 81% tuition increase recently proposed by UC President Mark Yudof (which will be considered at the November Regents Meeting in San Francisco).

Such self-righteous bellyaching, however, intentionally ignores the crucial fact that the UC administration’s generously (and unilaterally) instituted tuition hikes epitomize what equality and economic justice have come to mean at the UC.

Like the magnanimous Regents and administrators of the University of California, we here at the UC Movement for Efficient Privatization (UCMeP) ardently believe that all students have the right to pay equally exorbitant amounts to attend the UC, regardless of race, gender, ethnicity, or national/geographic origin. That ALL in-state students will soon be charged over $22,000 per year for their education (before housing, food, and other fees) is, quite simply, the epitome of fairness.

UCMeP wholeheartedly agrees with the anger expressed over a certain “Diversity Bake Sale” recently held at UC Berkeley. While we are certainly sympathetic to the goals of the neo-conservative undergrads who organized the bake sale, UCMeP believes that the pricing plan instituted was not only unfair, but disgustingly invidious. We were appalled by how unabashedly it discriminated against affluent white men by asking them to pay fifty cents more than anyone else for a buttery scone.

The inequity of the “Diversity Bake Sale” has prompted UCMeP to respond with its very own “Equality Bake Sale,” which will dramatize the immensely fair logic behind Mark Yudof’s proposed 81% tuition hike: everyone deserves to be ruthlessly exploited, especially when it comes to university tuition.

Please join us Wednesday, October 12, from 12PM-2PM on Sproul Plaza to buy a tasty artisan cupcake, baked by UCMeP. You can be sure that our pricing structure will be as fair as the newest round of tuition hikes:

Every student: $22,000 per cupcake

We fully expect (and hope) that—just like with UC tuition–most students will be unable to afford such a cheaply produced sugary treat at such an incredibly inflated price. To ensure that everyone has an equal opportunity to taste what it is like to get ripped off, UCMeP is pleased to announce that the gloriously usurious Bank of America will be on hand to offer high interest loans to anyone who qualifies. All you need are two forms of ID and the willingness to pen your name to a tortuously worded contractual agreement (that only requires you to sign away your future—much like student loans).

We hope to see you all there! If you don’t come, you’re a communist!